A quote in Tolstoy’s journal

I read in a post something about what Leo Tolstoy once wrote in his journal when he was young, it was this:

“I’m 24 years old and have still done nothing… I am sure its not for nothing that I have been struggling with all my doubts and passions for the past eight years. But what am I destined for? Only time will tell”

I read it and I felt it. I am 24 years old now, and every single word of that quote burned me. It is a constant thought and it is -I believe- what most of us think at 24. The truth is that, I really believed I was going to be somebody at this age. I always had this particularly fear about the future but there was no moment I thought of it in a negative view. In my mind I was always on the top. Yesterday I opened an old notebook, it was before the traveling bug hit me the way it did. It was before Korea, and even then I knew.

“Life is experiences and spontaneity, I don’t want to look back and regret of what I have lived. I don’t want to settle with something good when I know I can achieve the extraordinary”.

And here I am, writing this post that nobody will read, counting the days to be free. I wish I were more brave and confident, that is my problem, I know. I still think I can achieve extraordinary, I still believe my future is bright, I just want to be there now. Today, I am lost, like I was yesterday, and I kept thinking “What am I destined for?” 

I know I am not Tolstoy, I know I am not like this people I often read about, but I have something to say, so I will keep shouting till somebody hears me. Because if we rest, if we don’t keep on trying, then we are sleep, we are not moving and we cannot have the extraordinary without movement.

I just want to know, once and for all, What am I destined for? 

Only time will tell.


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