I miss our little talks; I’m never gonna get another first love.

While I write this I am listening to “Of monsters and men” how they sing about a fallen love. That is what “Little talks” means to me anyway. A love that is gone, a person that flew away to a different level of life. I am listening to this because today is my sister’s birthday and also the day an old friend died.

“I don’t like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear”

The last years of his life we were absolutely nothing. I can’t even say that he was my friend, he was just somebody I used to know (yeah yeah, like the song). But when we were friends he was the best, and he used to make me laugh so much. That is what I remembered most about him; the way he was always trying to make me laugh. We could talk for hours and we never got bored, even when we didn’t have anything to talk about, we were listening.

“There’s an old voice in my head that’s holding me back.
Well tell her that I miss our little talks”

It was a time when we were young and free of all these responsibilities and issues we “grown ups” have now. I was a kid, and he was a child as well, and he was my first love. It was a childish, innocent kind of love. The one you feel when you are way to young to feel. But it was real. At least for me.

“Soon it will be over and buried with our past.
We used to play outside when we were young,
And full of life and full of love.”

Yes, we were real. And when everything stopped he became my shadow and my anchor. I felt like that for many years, I felt empty and I couldn’t open up to no one, because they weren’t him. He put me in a situation that I didn’t want to be and I was broken because of him. I don’t think people will understand it, how a foolish thing that happen when I was way to young was so powerful and that it affected me the way it did.

“Some days I don’t know if I am wrong or right.
Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear”

I remembered the last time I saw him, he was in his car and he was smiling. He looked happy, at least from far. I think I’ll always have him in my mind. Not because I loved him (This is the first time I recognized that I did) but because we -in a way- grew up together. I knew him since he was a little kid, with a football in his hand, till the day he died, with cancer growing up inside him. And even though I wasn’t in the picture in most of his life, we had that year. And that year was beautiful.

“Don’t listen to a word I say,
The screams all sound the same”

I remember one day a lady that called herself a witch read my hand, and she told me that in all my life I was going to have two great loves. I think the first one is already cross out by his name. Yeah, I used to denied it, but it was him. Now I have to find my second love, and hopefully this time, It will last.

“You’re gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that’s left is the ghost of you.”

I never had the chance to tell him how I felt, and I used to be so cold back then. He used to say to me that I was playing with him and that the truth was that “I “loved” him for convenience”. That wasn’t the truth. I was just afraid. He was beautiful and I was nobody, and I was afraid of loosing him, so I never showed him how much he meant to me back then. And after that I never could tell him. The fear was always there. His presence was so strong that I could never lost that fear.

“Now we’re torn, torn, torn apart,
There’s nothing we can do.”

I remembered when my friends told me that he was in the hospital. I just arrived to Seoul for my second time and there they were; telling me via skype that he was dying. And I was speechless. He grew up with us, we knew him and he was way too young to die. There was a tremble of emotions in me. And I couldn’t talk with anyone, because I never confess to anyone the strong feeling I had towards him. Till today, the only person that knew was me.

“Just let me go we’ll meet again soon
Now wait, wait, wait for me.”

I remember that the day they told me that he died, the only thing I could do was to put my ipod on and had a midnight run. I needed to think, to breathe, to escape. And all this flashes of him came back rushing towards me at every step. He was gone and I was running. I needed to say goodbye, my goodbyes. To the soul I used to know, the one that I fall in love to, not the guy he grew up to be. So I wrote him a letter and throw it to the Han River. That was my way to say goodbye; running, writing and burn it.

“Please hang around
I’ll see you when I fall asleep.”

Sometimes I still think of him. Sometimes I even dream with him. He is been dead for three years now, and from time to time his face comes to my mind while I sleep, and every time I wake up, I smile.

“‘Though the truth may vary,
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore”

So, when I listen to “Little Talks” I think of him, and today I write about it and I am free. But I believe, he will always be there… he is now part of me, he let me grow. There is a quote in a movie that I like, and that -I think- it explains better why I’ll never forget him.

“Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It’ll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can’t ever shake. The truth is, there’s gonna be other girls (boys) out there. I mean, I hope. But I’m never gonna get another first love. That one is always gonna be her (him).” – (“Little Manhattan”.)

Great quote, isn’t it?

Yes, I believe it is a good one, as well as the song I am listening to.

“Little Talks” will forever be for him.

(Sorry for my terrible english).


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